A turning point in my illness with the help and support from family and friends!

Well on Sunday 6th January, I woke up feeling fresh and positive.  I was happy.  I came up with the statement:

Today is a good day! I’m not treating anything I have as an illness anymore. It’s a barrier. I will kick the fuck out of this barrier! If I can give advice then I can deffo take it too!! Family and friends be warned…. Lynz is coming back!!!

This is something I am hoping to keep up from now on.  I want to plough through this and get back to my old self but with a new outlook on life.

Over the past few days, I have been speaking to a number of family members and friends and the advice and support has been great.  It’s not been soft advice but very realistic.  It is spurring me on to be the person I once was.  I will get there, even if it takes a while.  Heres a few to list:

  • Focus on you and no one else
  • Everyone loves you no matter what but we want you better
  • You need to realise that you need to follow a weight loss plan that will suit only you and how you like to eat
  • Get on with things, don’t live for the things you can’t have, live for the things you can do

This will stay with me now and I will do what is best for me.  Thank you all 🙂

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2012: A review. Heres’ to 2013.

Well it’s that time of year where everyone reflects on 2012 being ‘their year’ so I thought I’d reflect on mine.  I found it hard to think of anything good from 2012 so I had to have a search through my diary starting January 2012!  I found it hard to find many happy parts that just involved myself as this year has been my worst year to date!

Here’s a timeline of events that have happend in 2012:

January:  I worked my backside off to get any means of supply work – yes you have to be very proactive to get it by calling everyday and making sure the 8 agencies I was with were fully aware of my daily work situation.  Many thought I was just ‘lucky’ to get all that work; well I wasn’t lucky, I worked hard for it!!  This was also done alongside working in my retail job (I love this type of job).

February:  Again I worked my backside off to get any means of supply work and I also took on a 3rd job in a College in an evening.  This was very hard work for me but I really enjoyed working all day, all night and every weekend – YES 7 days and nights a week I worked.  This was also the month where our official 1st wedding anniversary took place, the 29th February.  Officially we had been married 4 years of course and we had always said that we would go on holiday to celebrate so we went to the 1st place we had ever been on holiday together, Benidorm!  That week was lovely.  I was able to relax and unwind.

March:  March is always a busy month with birthdays so a few celebrations were done here along with a mass baby boom; 4 people who were close to me plus a few others knocking about were pregnant.  Yes this can happen as thats what normal people do when they are in a relationship or married right?  It was the way I was told that hurt.  From their perspective it’s the thought of ‘oh how do we tell Lynsey’ about this news, my perspective is just tell me as I’m not going to tell you to have an abortion because I’m struggling am I?  We also met with the FS (fertility specialist) this month too so that made it a little raw as I always come out of them feeling like a failed woman!  Anyways, I was still working here, there and    everywhere whilst trying to find the time to see family and friends.

April:  April started off as a good month, I got long term supply work with the potential of getting a full time job there, I went to see New Kids On The Block and The Backstreet Boys which was ace and I still held down 3 jobs.  Not much time spent with family and friends again – some started to say that that it wasn’t good for me and others were gutted because I didn’t have time to see them.

May:  I give up one of the 3 jobs so I had a bit of time to myself.  Nothing else happened this month really apart from work.  WOOP!

June: Still putting the hours in at the 2 jobs I had, attended a couple of weddings and went to a couple of meals where the sole topic on the table was babies as everyone was sharing their pregnancy related issues.

July:  The month it all started to show the signs that I was becoming ill.  I already knew I was suffering with depression as the doctors put me on a number of different anti depressants in the past but nothing was helping but I wasn’t that bad at this stage.  Yes I would drive places and cry for no reason, I would feel a little anxious about people looking at me byt that I thought was linked to the ever gaining weight I was putting on, not having a child and suffering with my hormones.  I had my interview for my long term teaching job and didn’t get it, I was put forward for another school and never got that then the worst interview was when the school I was at recently told me that I was never going to pass anything in their school so I didn’t get that either.  So I was facing the summer holidays without a job in teaching and feeling rubbish at the job too.  At least I had one thing to look forward to; MARBELLA with my 2 good mates!  I then got a call the last week of term offering me a job.  WOOP!  So I had a holiday and a job in September to look forward to!  I went on holiday and loved every minute of it.

August:  August I attended the wedding of a very good friend of mine, completed the Race For Life 5k in a quicker time than I did a couple of years before, went to Creamfields and got ready to start my new job by handing my notice in at the job I have always loved.  An eventful month.

September:  I started my job at the school at the beginning of the month, I loved it at 1st but it was a bit of a struggle finding out how they worked as not many people in the school liked to reply to emails or speak face to face.  I ploughed though and just stuck with it.  I attended another wedding and the month ended with my Sister in Laws baby shower and seeing John Bishop!

October:  The worst month EVER for me!  Lets start with all the good things this month.  It started off nice at baby shower number 2 for my Niece that was due to come into the world this month (my bets was on Steven’s birthday (31st) but that was not the case at all.  We attended the last wedding of 2012 which was a family wedding, a good party and spent with special family and friends, I started doing Partylite, went on a surprise mission to Teeside for an Ice Skating night and met up with my other friends where we catch up from the months we haven’t seen each other.  1 had already told me that I was pregnant and the other announced on the night.  I have got used to making nappy cakes for friends so I will be happy to get them started for my close friends.  We also celebrated Steven’s last birthday in his 20’s – heres to his 30h next year!  Now for the bad:  I had to re-apply for my job, I didn’t get it, I was shot down for my work, I realised that I had put on far more weight than I thought, my FS appointments were changed left, right and centre for it to be on the day before my birthday and the highlight of dropping so low due to the negativity around me (job, weight, no baby and health) I hit rock bottom and by barrier that I had held up for so long, smashed into bits!  I wanted to die, I couldn’t  go that step further to end it all and it was a struggle to go out of the house.  I pushed myself for the last 3 days in the month to go to school but I was constantly panicing, I was constantly anxious and I was constantly crying.  The doctors saw this as an issue and changed my tablets and signed me off.

November:  I had been living in a bubble for the month, I have gained this mood that can only be explained as ‘I can’t be arsed’ but I want to push myself but my body won’t allow it to happen.  I struggled through by trying to go out of the house and putting on my brave face but I never felt comfortable.  Take this as an example:  My Sister in Law was blessed with a little daughter at the beginning of the month and we were blessed with a little niece.  We went to the hospital very excited as the mood should be but I was that scared of going near her for her to see how much of a shell of myself I have turned into (not that she knew) as she should have been round happy people.  Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see her, to hold her and to be one of the main people in her life but it was hard for me, not because I want one, just because of how my body and mind is working at the minute.  Sure enough I build myself up and went over and held her in my arms and I whispered to her ‘you don’t know how much you have done for me’.  By this I meant how I had talked myself out of harming myself just so I could meet her, my own Niece.  Oh and we celebrated the 4th year of officially ‘trying to conceive’ this month, yay!

December:  The month of joy, good will, food, drink, family and friends.  This I have realised this month.  I have seen my friends and my family.  I have received advice, care and comfort.  I have had 3 ‘good days’ which is an improvement from the past and I have slept loads.  I have been miserable on the days I should have been happy.  Spending Christmas day with family should have been happy but I struggled smiling, getting out of bed, trying to get ready and pretending to be happy.  Boxing day was the same.  My birthday was lovely, I went for a couple of meals and had a house party where friends and family came which was lovely.  I tried to keep positive for everyone.  I had Santa to come and visit the kids who came too.  It’s a happy time of year but I just don’t feel happy.

So here it is, the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013.  Is it the end of me feeling the way I do?  Is it the end of the career I have worked damn hard to get?  Is it the year where mental health is not a taboo subject and people begin to realise how serious it is and how it can affect people in different ways?  What is my New Years Resolution?

All I hope for 2013 is the following:

For my life to carry on

To start getting back to my old self

To lose a bit of weight for my own health and not for other people

To start my journey of becoming positive

To get a job that I love regardless of my qualifications

To try and not focus my life around trying for a baby, what can I do about the fact I’m infertile, nothing apart from getting to the weight I need for IVF

To do a little bit more that is listed on my Bucket List

To think of myself more

To be happy

Happy New Year to you all and heres’ to a lovely 2013

An end to my blog as we know it? Possibly.

Hi all!

I haven’t been blogging as much as of late as lots of my posts have begun to either hurt others around me or they feel that the stuff I post is about them.

I initially set out to blog so that I could relieve the stress and worry I have in my life (as others do) and in some ways it may help with this but it’s totally backfiring on me and I may have to stop doing it.  I’m upset at how my life strains of trying to conceive for over 4 years, struggling to get the break I deserve in my chosen career path, my weight issues and mental health posts from here or on Facebook are upsetting others.  This has put a MASSIVE strain on my life now as I feel that I will have to start pretending that I am ‘just fine’ when actually I am not: I am a total shell of myself and would not be in this situation if the above did as it should – my body allowing me to be a woman and do what nature intended AND what all the textbooks say of course; my career path falling into place like I would have expected after a good 4 years at College and another 4 years at University; my mind allowing me to focus on losing weight and not sneaking in random food here and there and finally my mental health as I would like to think straight and be the ‘normal’ person I used to be.

The other day I publicly apologised to all my family and friends stating the following:

Whilst it’s Christmas, I will sincerely apologies for clogging up your timeline with all things Partylite, depressing statuses and worries. Partylite is my sole job at the moment and you have to try and make a living right? My depressing and worried statuses are due to what I have been going through for a while so I have been expressing myself in this way (I have never ment any of these statuses to make anyone feel that I am targeting them, it’s in general) Hope you all understand and if you don’t like either then you know what the options are for removal. Thanks for reading 🙂

That should have cleared things up and I was told by some of my friends that I should not apologise for any of this but as I’m that nice girl who never goes out to harm anyone, I decided that it was right.

To conclude, this blog is to express some of my feelings from the range of issues I have in my life at the moment and to educate friends and family about my infertility journey (if you haven’t been on this journey especially as you don’t know what it’s like to be in this situation) and NOT to point out friends and family who might have said something to make me feel better but it’s not the right thing to say to an infertile and might have kids who think that they are rubbing it in because they have the family that I have always dreamed.

I hope you all begin to understand that nothing on here or on Facebook is ever about you; only me, my life, my feelings and my flaws.  If it was, I would tell you straight off.

xx Lynsey xx

Happy Infertility Anniversary (4 years,1 week and 5 days)

Just needed to vent so here goes (sorry)

It’s been 4 years 1 week and 5 days since we made one of the happiest decisions in our life together – to start our very own family. Truth is, I didn’t realise that it would change my life for the worst (it could be worse I suppose but it’s added to problems I’ve had for years) Everyone has either had a baby or are expecting. Take a look at the list:

I’ve had a run through of dear friends who have had monthly births Aug (1), Sept (1), Nov (5) with announcements (some of which were scared of telling me due to hurting my feelings) in Aug (1), Sept (1), Nov (1) plus another 6 friends being pregnant and this is all just from August.

I am lost in myself! I want my own and I know this won’t happen. It hurts being in a room with people constantly talking about babies or children and most of the time not being considered of the things that I am going through (depression, infertility, negativity, anxiety, sleepless nights, panic attacks and thoughts I would never have thought I would have had) and when I bring up that I have an appointment or having going to the doctors about certain issues, the answer I usually get is ‘oh I forgot about that’ or ‘oh I didn’t realise’.

I wish I had never begun this journey as I was a far better person before this regardless of the issues I have had prior.  I was lively, outgoing, happy and the life and soul of the party but now I’m this moaning, argumentative, miserable piece of crap that I never thought I’d turn out to be.

Some say:

  • it’s only 4 years
  • you’re still young
  • it’s not the right time
  • you don’t need to have a child and our children love you
  • you don’t want to go through pregnancy anyway, it’s not the best expereice

My answer to these are as follows:

  • 4 years of wanting something SO MUCH and thinking about it every day is hard.  Unless you are or have been in this position or that you can think outside the box then you don’t know how this feels.
  • Why am I STILL young?  What is the age that you class me as being old enough for this to happen?  I have seen children who I have taught being pregnant.  I have seen people throughout my time in secondary school who have had 2 children and that is before the age of 16.  Please give me the age that is right for me to start worrying about NOT being young!!
  • Why is it not the right time?  I am in a stable relationship with a husband who loves me and who would be an amazing dad yet I can’t fulfil this dream of his.  My thoughts and feelings would have never got out of hand if this journey had worked like they teach you in school and all the medical theories that are out there were correct.
  • I know your children love me and I love them too but I would love to have the option to tuck my own into bed every night and comfort my own when they are ill.  The saying always a Bridesmaid never the Bride comes to mind here BUT in the sense of always the Auntie but never the Mum.  You have your children that you love and cherish, you have the special days in the year that you can celebrate; Mothers/Fathers Day being one of them.  Am I selfish in wanting this for us too?
  • I DO WANT TO HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS FOR A REASON!  The ones that are out there in a general are you don’t have a cycle (I have this), you feel sick (quite frequently I feel sick), you are getting fat (I’m fat already), you have stretch marks (I have these), you are tired (me too), you have tender breasts (oh yeah I have this too), you have headaches (check!) and you can’t sleep (I’m there with you too) BUT you have had all of these AND got an outcome.  Me on the other hand has had these for years along with taking hundreds of pregnancy tests and all being negative regardless of me actually seeing 2 lines (imaginary visions).

I wish I coud stop being like this.  I wish I could be more positive and I wish that I was back to my old self.  We have decided that the journey we have been on should stop but I don’t know how to give up.  I would love advice on how to give up and forget about it all.  I would love to be happy again.  I would love to sit in a room with friends and family and not get upset inside when they are talking about children due to feeling an emptiness of not having one of my own.

Again, I apologise for the length of this and the moaning that is involved BUT this is why I decided to blog; to put my feelings down on ‘paper’ thus the name ‘Stress Burner’.

An empty scan screen: My date with the nurse (28th Sept)

Sorry for the major delay in posting on my blog (especially this one) but I have had a busy couple of months and have now found a little bit of time to get writing again 🙂

So the 28th September was one of those days where things went from bad to worse….  I’ll start from the beginning shall I??

I was booked in for an internal scan by my GP due to a serve loss of blood that I had been experiencing over the past month and it was no where near stopping at this point nor was I at a point in finding out what was wrong with me after seeing the GP, visiting the NHS Walk In Centre and A&E.  Today finally came and all I wanted to see was something other than cysts on my ovaries…. this was never going to be the case of course!

Usually us ladies love having a scan as they show you something wonderful you, your body and your partner have made…. well my scan shown an empty space and ovaries that look like they have chicken pox….Woop!  The nurse said that I had a load of cysts; last time this was done, it was described as only having a few thus them developing further.  My GP said that if nothing else was on the scan then they would send me for further investigations to find out what is happening inside.  This further investigation will be happening on Tuesday!!  I will be having a laparoscopy.  My initial appointment will be then so hopefully I will be given a date on when this will be happening.  This will hopefully inform me on whether I have Endometriosis alongside PCOS.  I have wrote about what a laparoscopy is below for reference.  Hopefully I find out whats been going on!  Watch this space 🙂

Laparoscopy

A laparoscopy is a type of surgical procedure that allows a surgeon to access the inside of the abdomen and pelvis without having to make large incisions in the skin. It is also known as keyhole surgery.

Laparoscopy is minimally invasive. This is made possible with an instrument called a laparoscope.

Laparoscope

A laparoscope is a small tube that consists of a light source and a camera. The camera relays images of the inside of the abdomen or pelvis to a television monitor.

The surgeon makes a small incision in the skin and passes the laparoscope through it to study the organs and tissues inside the abdomen or pelvis.

The advantages of this technique over traditional open surgery are that people who have a laparoscopy have:

  • a faster recovery time
  • less pain after the operation
  • minimal scarring

 

As usual, I was given a lot of support from friends and family.  Here’s a few screen shots to show the support I have around me:

 

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Thoughts & Feelings: Why do we have them?

I would like to ask my body why on earth it has these thoughts and feelings about myself that I do not like.  I had a bit of time to myself today and I had to make a list of the feelings that I had to get them out of my system.  Some of these could be taken away if everything I liked actually happened.  Here is my list:

Fat

Ashamed

Disgusting

Hurt

Upset

Sick

Disgraceful

A Failure

Helpless

Useless

Unmotivated

I am not too sure how on earth I can remove these feelings unless my weigh loss begins again and my motivation comes back too.  If anyone can help with this then please do so as I need all the help in the world right now.