Well it’s that time of year where everyone reflects on 2012 being ‘their year’ so I thought I’d reflect on mine. I found it hard to think of anything good from 2012 so I had to have a search through my diary starting January 2012! I found it hard to find many happy parts that just involved myself as this year has been my worst year to date!
Here’s a timeline of events that have happend in 2012:
January: I worked my backside off to get any means of supply work – yes you have to be very proactive to get it by calling everyday and making sure the 8 agencies I was with were fully aware of my daily work situation. Many thought I was just ‘lucky’ to get all that work; well I wasn’t lucky, I worked hard for it!! This was also done alongside working in my retail job (I love this type of job).
February: Again I worked my backside off to get any means of supply work and I also took on a 3rd job in a College in an evening. This was very hard work for me but I really enjoyed working all day, all night and every weekend – YES 7 days and nights a week I worked. This was also the month where our official 1st wedding anniversary took place, the 29th February. Officially we had been married 4 years of course and we had always said that we would go on holiday to celebrate so we went to the 1st place we had ever been on holiday together, Benidorm! That week was lovely. I was able to relax and unwind.
March: March is always a busy month with birthdays so a few celebrations were done here along with a mass baby boom; 4 people who were close to me plus a few others knocking about were pregnant. Yes this can happen as thats what normal people do when they are in a relationship or married right? It was the way I was told that hurt. From their perspective it’s the thought of ‘oh how do we tell Lynsey’ about this news, my perspective is just tell me as I’m not going to tell you to have an abortion because I’m struggling am I? We also met with the FS (fertility specialist) this month too so that made it a little raw as I always come out of them feeling like a failed woman! Anyways, I was still working here, there and everywhere whilst trying to find the time to see family and friends.
April: April started off as a good month, I got long term supply work with the potential of getting a full time job there, I went to see New Kids On The Block and The Backstreet Boys which was ace and I still held down 3 jobs. Not much time spent with family and friends again – some started to say that that it wasn’t good for me and others were gutted because I didn’t have time to see them.
May: I give up one of the 3 jobs so I had a bit of time to myself. Nothing else happened this month really apart from work. WOOP!
June: Still putting the hours in at the 2 jobs I had, attended a couple of weddings and went to a couple of meals where the sole topic on the table was babies as everyone was sharing their pregnancy related issues.
July: The month it all started to show the signs that I was becoming ill. I already knew I was suffering with depression as the doctors put me on a number of different anti depressants in the past but nothing was helping but I wasn’t that bad at this stage. Yes I would drive places and cry for no reason, I would feel a little anxious about people looking at me byt that I thought was linked to the ever gaining weight I was putting on, not having a child and suffering with my hormones. I had my interview for my long term teaching job and didn’t get it, I was put forward for another school and never got that then the worst interview was when the school I was at recently told me that I was never going to pass anything in their school so I didn’t get that either. So I was facing the summer holidays without a job in teaching and feeling rubbish at the job too. At least I had one thing to look forward to; MARBELLA with my 2 good mates! I then got a call the last week of term offering me a job. WOOP! So I had a holiday and a job in September to look forward to! I went on holiday and loved every minute of it.
August: August I attended the wedding of a very good friend of mine, completed the Race For Life 5k in a quicker time than I did a couple of years before, went to Creamfields and got ready to start my new job by handing my notice in at the job I have always loved. An eventful month.
September: I started my job at the school at the beginning of the month, I loved it at 1st but it was a bit of a struggle finding out how they worked as not many people in the school liked to reply to emails or speak face to face. I ploughed though and just stuck with it. I attended another wedding and the month ended with my Sister in Laws baby shower and seeing John Bishop!
October: The worst month EVER for me! Lets start with all the good things this month. It started off nice at baby shower number 2 for my Niece that was due to come into the world this month (my bets was on Steven’s birthday (31st) but that was not the case at all. We attended the last wedding of 2012 which was a family wedding, a good party and spent with special family and friends, I started doing Partylite, went on a surprise mission to Teeside for an Ice Skating night and met up with my other friends where we catch up from the months we haven’t seen each other. 1 had already told me that I was pregnant and the other announced on the night. I have got used to making nappy cakes for friends so I will be happy to get them started for my close friends. We also celebrated Steven’s last birthday in his 20’s – heres to his 30h next year! Now for the bad: I had to re-apply for my job, I didn’t get it, I was shot down for my work, I realised that I had put on far more weight than I thought, my FS appointments were changed left, right and centre for it to be on the day before my birthday and the highlight of dropping so low due to the negativity around me (job, weight, no baby and health) I hit rock bottom and by barrier that I had held up for so long, smashed into bits! I wanted to die, I couldn’t go that step further to end it all and it was a struggle to go out of the house. I pushed myself for the last 3 days in the month to go to school but I was constantly panicing, I was constantly anxious and I was constantly crying. The doctors saw this as an issue and changed my tablets and signed me off.
November: I had been living in a bubble for the month, I have gained this mood that can only be explained as ‘I can’t be arsed’ but I want to push myself but my body won’t allow it to happen. I struggled through by trying to go out of the house and putting on my brave face but I never felt comfortable. Take this as an example: My Sister in Law was blessed with a little daughter at the beginning of the month and we were blessed with a little niece. We went to the hospital very excited as the mood should be but I was that scared of going near her for her to see how much of a shell of myself I have turned into (not that she knew) as she should have been round happy people. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see her, to hold her and to be one of the main people in her life but it was hard for me, not because I want one, just because of how my body and mind is working at the minute. Sure enough I build myself up and went over and held her in my arms and I whispered to her ‘you don’t know how much you have done for me’. By this I meant how I had talked myself out of harming myself just so I could meet her, my own Niece. Oh and we celebrated the 4th year of officially ‘trying to conceive’ this month, yay!
December: The month of joy, good will, food, drink, family and friends. This I have realised this month. I have seen my friends and my family. I have received advice, care and comfort. I have had 3 ‘good days’ which is an improvement from the past and I have slept loads. I have been miserable on the days I should have been happy. Spending Christmas day with family should have been happy but I struggled smiling, getting out of bed, trying to get ready and pretending to be happy. Boxing day was the same. My birthday was lovely, I went for a couple of meals and had a house party where friends and family came which was lovely. I tried to keep positive for everyone. I had Santa to come and visit the kids who came too. It’s a happy time of year but I just don’t feel happy.
So here it is, the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013. Is it the end of me feeling the way I do? Is it the end of the career I have worked damn hard to get? Is it the year where mental health is not a taboo subject and people begin to realise how serious it is and how it can affect people in different ways? What is my New Years Resolution?
All I hope for 2013 is the following:
For my life to carry on
To start getting back to my old self
To lose a bit of weight for my own health and not for other people
To start my journey of becoming positive
To get a job that I love regardless of my qualifications
To try and not focus my life around trying for a baby, what can I do about the fact I’m infertile, nothing apart from getting to the weight I need for IVF
To do a little bit more that is listed on my Bucket List
To think of myself more
To be happy
Happy New Year to you all and heres’ to a lovely 2013