A turning point in my illness with the help and support from family and friends!

Well on Sunday 6th January, I woke up feeling fresh and positive.  I was happy.  I came up with the statement:

Today is a good day! I’m not treating anything I have as an illness anymore. It’s a barrier. I will kick the fuck out of this barrier! If I can give advice then I can deffo take it too!! Family and friends be warned…. Lynz is coming back!!!

This is something I am hoping to keep up from now on.  I want to plough through this and get back to my old self but with a new outlook on life.

Over the past few days, I have been speaking to a number of family members and friends and the advice and support has been great.  It’s not been soft advice but very realistic.  It is spurring me on to be the person I once was.  I will get there, even if it takes a while.  Heres a few to list:

  • Focus on you and no one else
  • Everyone loves you no matter what but we want you better
  • You need to realise that you need to follow a weight loss plan that will suit only you and how you like to eat
  • Get on with things, don’t live for the things you can’t have, live for the things you can do

This will stay with me now and I will do what is best for me.  Thank you all 🙂

Thoughts & Feelings: Why do we have them?

I would like to ask my body why on earth it has these thoughts and feelings about myself that I do not like.  I had a bit of time to myself today and I had to make a list of the feelings that I had to get them out of my system.  Some of these could be taken away if everything I liked actually happened.  Here is my list:

Fat

Ashamed

Disgusting

Hurt

Upset

Sick

Disgraceful

A Failure

Helpless

Useless

Unmotivated

I am not too sure how on earth I can remove these feelings unless my weigh loss begins again and my motivation comes back too.  If anyone can help with this then please do so as I need all the help in the world right now.

A very low week…but a good one!

Over the past week or so, I have been quite low, stressed and very busy and tired.  This has led me to not follow my weight loss plan, not want to see friends and and taking ages to get to sleep as there is far too much on my mind.

The amount of crappy food I have eaten is not good at all but this has changed from yesterday – back on the plan 100% and nothing should get in my way.  Just a note for all of my friends and family who read my blog: If we are to go out for any reason; to meet up for a catch up for example, could we please go somewhere that does not include food until July/August time.  I really need to shift my weight and as much support I am getting from you already is amazing, I just need to take out food – this goes for me suggesting it too.  Just tell me we’re going to a cafe for a coffee or to the cinema 🙂

After my train journey the other day, I went to see NKOTBSB (New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys) and my god it was amazing!  We were so close to the stage and saw everything!!!!  I had a lovely night and I was cheered up no end.

I went out the other night for 2 friends birthdays and this was quite hard for me to do.  My friends will understand when I say this and I really don’t mean any of it in a negative way towards you one bit so please don’t take it to heart – but as 4 of my friends are pregnant in the group, it was a constant reminder of what I have never been able to achieve; motherhood or the ability to carry a child. This is not their fault one bit and I am happy for them but I find it hard at times that’s all (I know you will understand xxx)

Another bit of advice for anyone else who may get pregnant and is scared of telling me, just come out with it please.  What can I do about it?  Nothing.  It’s not like I’m going to tell you to get rid or stay away from me.  Yes I might cry at home due to me thinking about how my body doesn’t work but not due to you being pregnant.  I am happy for anyone who is able to conceive, carry a child and give birth, especially my friends and family.  You are not rubbing it in my face, you are not doing it just to spite me and I am sure you didn’t decide one night and have a chat with your partner and say ‘let’s have sex and get pregnant because Lynsey can’t’ did you?  It it harder when I know that your worried about telling me just because I am infertile.  Again I hope this does not upset anyone, I just need to put my thoughts down xxx

In other news, I am very happy with how school is going, I actually LOVE it!  The kids love me and the teachers do too!  I just hope I get a permanent job there one day.  I wrote a status about this the other day on FB and my cousin commented saying ‘Just so you know everyone who meets you loves you, your a top lady! x x xx’  This made me shed a happy tear or 2.  Such a nice thing to say! xxx

I am also happy about how my kitchen is looking too!  After 5 1/2 years I have decided on a colour for the kitchen due to finding a 5 tin set (bread, tea, coffee, sugar and biscuit) in Next.  My bread bin says ‘best thing since sliced bread’, tea is ‘fancy a brew’, coffee is ‘wake up and smell the coffee’ sugar is ‘sweet as sugar’ and the biscuit one says ‘sweet treats’!  How amazing are they!!!  I have just bought a new cream kettle and toaster set which look fab next to these.  I am just waiting on a few decorative items from eBay that will look great in there too, especially the teapot as it says ‘keep calm and drink tea’.  I never dreamt that I’d grow up to enjoy buying house stuff ha ha!!

FINAL NOTE FROM ME

I want to say that none of my blogs I write about are to harm, upset or annoy anyone, especially my friends and family.  This is a way of me getting my thoughts out and making me feel better about the situation we are in.  I love you all very dearly and the only time I would have an issue linking to you, I would speak directly to you.  Big hugs and kisses to you all, especially my family xxx

Positive thinking

I have just decided that I need to blog about how I am feeling at the moment as it is very unusual for me to feel like this. I am being very positive about my life at the minute.

I constantly have my lovely sister in laws Janice and Susan, along with a very good friend Emma telling me that I need to be and stay positive as this will get me through everything. I have finally tried to be like this and it feels great!

I am being positive about my weight loss journey and how it may lead me to becoming pregnant sometime this year (if all works out) which would make our year! This along with me hopefully getting a full time teaching job. I have just got a long term position in a school which is fab and hopefully it will lead to something bigger in the future. It’s true what they say about starting at the bottom and working your way up; I was working in a fruit and veg shop 13 years ago and now I’m teaching! Proved you silly sods who called me thick wrong haven’t I!

Lets hope I stay this way!

Week 1’s weigh in

I had my weigh in this afternoon and I have lost 3lbs and 4 inches!  This is over my 2.5lb target that I have set every week until the 3rd July so I get to the weight I need to be at to be referred for IVF so I am rather pleased!  It is also a great loss for me and my body too as I am a very slow loser due to the PCOS.  Louise was happy with me too, YAY!

Now for the week ahead….

I have planned to get as much exercise in as possible so this evening I went to aerobics with my friends and pushed myself as much as I could (went a little dizzy at times but that’s due to the lack of calories I’m having) and I feel good for doing so.  I have also arranged to meet up with my bezzies from Uni on Sunday.  I’ll be going for a run mid afternoon and then going for tea and to the Cinema – I can’t wait!!!!

This will be the only time food will be passing my lips and I will be sole sourcing throughout the week.

Here’s to another good loss next week.  Can’t wait to see that ticker weight going down!

I have also been sizing up an outfit for Zoe’s wedding in September too –  hopefully I am around a size 12-14 then unless I end up pregnant of course 😉  Wouldn’t that be ace eh!

Well I better be off so I can have a chocolate shake before I go to bed (yes you can have chocolate on this plan!!!)

Night all 🙂

Oh what a weekend!

Well this weekend was the lowest I have had in quite a while. Sorry if I go off on a tangent but hopefully it will make me feel a load better.

Friday

I went to school to conduct a bit of supply teaching and all went ok. Straight after, I went straight to town to get a new outfit for Saturday, this, as you can see from my previous blog about trying on clothes, did not go too well at all! In the evening we went for tea to a local pub for Ste’s 30th birthday and I still felt down about the event throughout the day. I had my food (which I felt guilty about, as I shouldn’t have had it being on the plan I am on but decided to as it was for a special occasion) and I began to feel ok.  After I finished, I went into the loo, took a glance into the mirror and saw my awful face…… the blackest bags I have EVER had under my eyes and I looked paler than I usually do!  I instantly thought about the need to cut down on the amount of stuff I am doing.  This got me feeling even worse and was quiet for the rest of the evening really.

I took my hubby and Ste out as they were continuing  the celebration at another pub and I went back to my sister in laws (Susan’s) house, where I was there until 11.30.  I went home and went straight to bed as I was in work on Saturday.  I woke myself up at 2.30am panicking as Steven wasn’t there and I forgot that he was out.  This was the start of a broken night’s sleep.

I got up in the morning and went straight to work, feeling like a bag of crap!

Saturday

I was working until 2.30 today and I was there from 9-12.30 on my own so I got through the work I needed.  I was quieter than and not as cheery as I usually am and a few people noticed this.  The lack of sleep and feeling down on Friday stayed with me.  I decided to go for ‘round 2’ of trying clothes on and it took me a while to find something.  I went home and began to get ready for Manchester.  I still looked like crap and the makeup didn’t seem to make me look any different either.

We finally got to Manchester and I decided that I wasn’t going to drink as I seem to become really ill when I do drink.  We wasn’t there long and everyone got the train back to Newton where the night continued.  I went straight home to get my car and met back up with everyone.  I was out until 2am where I was taking everyone home.  I finally got to bed with work on Sunday being close in sight.

Sunday

I got up and went straight to work, today I was on my own all day and thankfully I was busy.  I was down again due to the lack of sleep over the weekend and how rough I looked.  Chats with some of the HMV lads got my spirits up and I continued my day as normal.

As we all know it was Mothers Day too and this was hard for me.  Another year without a child or being pregnant didn’t go down too well with my thoughts.  Never the less I wished all my special friends and family with children and who were/are expecting a ‘Happy Mothers Day’.  It was nice to see that they had a lovely day.  Some people on Facebook and Twitter said that they didn’t have a good day due to some silly reasons, no matter what, if you have a child, Mothers Day would always be special in my eyes.

I got home and did the ‘Mum’ run with the hubby and finally got home and went to bed.

Upon reflection, I think that I should put this weekend behind me and look forward to the future, stay positive and remember that my family and friends are there to support me and always will be.

A big thank you for all the comments, likes and chats I have had over the weekend too.  It’s nice to hear and see that there are so many of you who are enjoying my blog and following it.

This makes it worthwhile 🙂

A bad day to try on some clothes :(

Well after school (I’m a supply teacher by the way) I decided to have a look for a new outfit for my sister in laws, hubby birthday afternoon/nigh out tomorrow and my god wasn’t it the wrong thing to do! I tried a load of different things on and nothing fit or looked right on me at all!

Every time I went into the changing rooms I’d talk to myself asking why I had let this happen to me and how much of a fat slob I looked in everything. I don’t know how I don’t end up crying!

Now I will have to sift through some of the clothes that still fit me and see if I can wear what I have got. Hopefully
I’m not going to have this experience EVER again as I should have shifted some stones!

Hopefully once the hubby is back home, he can give me a kiss and a cuddle so it makes me feel ok again.

Negativity is bad and it will bring me down and as my friend Michaela has just said ‘I’ll get there in the end’.

Fingers crossed 🙂