April Fools Day

So it’s April Fools Day and this is where so many people will be playing pranks on one another. This could be in the form of a new product launch (scratch and sniff canvases, iron man suit and a hologram wife are a few that I’ve seen already!) or opening all the cans of pop in the fridge very slightly and tipping out the contents so everyone thinks they have been manufactured this way ūüėČ

One way that would be upsetting to see today is the “I’m pregnant” prank. Now this will only affect a few people as a “I’ve got cancer” prank would be too. Both are not nice in there own ways for certain people to see.

I have seen this on the Internet today that was a nice way to show that it can be insensitive to post these things. Before I am told in all sorts of ways that “I’m being silly for saying this”, “this wasn’t meant to hurt you” and the likes – I am merely updating my blog that helps both myself and other infertile a around the world so please don’t read it if you’re offended by my thoughts and advice but if you are interested and you feel it’s ok for me to say it then thank you and read away ūüôā

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Happy Mothers Day

So today is Mothers Day and it hits me hard every year that I do not have my very own child to have the day celebrated like most of my friends and family who can. I know it’s hard for people who have lost their mothers and I feel for these people also. I see the isles in the supermarkets stocked up with amazing gifts that mothers will receive today but the only gift I’d ever want on Mothers Day is the sign of my child being developed, the sight of my child in my arms, a hug.

Here’s a poem I’ve found to sum today up:

So I was online today in search of a mother’s day gift for myself…its a little weird considering that Im not officially a mother. But I think that all because I am not holding my child physically, does not make me any less of a mother than those that are. Now that I have that off of my chest, I came across this poem that touched my heart because it is something that is a very touching subject for not only myself, but all of us.

‚ÄúHappy Mother’s Day‚ÄĚ

It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it’s very hard to hear.

It’s a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother’s worth?

It’s putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it’s sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren’t here, more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special ‚ÄúHappy Mother’s Day‚ÄĚ
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Happy Mothers Day to all who are dreaming and hoping to become a mother in the future xxxx

A turning point in my illness with the help and support from family and friends!

Well on Sunday 6th January, I woke up feeling fresh and positive.  I was happy.  I came up with the statement:

Today is a good day! I’m not treating anything I have as an illness anymore. It’s a barrier. I will kick the fuck out of this barrier! If I can give advice then I can deffo take it too!! Family and friends be warned…. Lynz is coming back!!!

This is something I am hoping to keep up from now on.  I want to plough through this and get back to my old self but with a new outlook on life.

Over the past few days, I have been speaking to a number of family members and friends and the advice and support has been great. ¬†It’s not been soft advice but very realistic. ¬†It is¬†spurring¬†me on to be the person I once was. ¬†I will get there, even if it takes a while. ¬†Heres a few to list:

  • Focus on you and no one else
  • Everyone loves you no matter what but we want you better
  • You need to realise that you need to follow a weight loss plan that will suit only you and how you like to eat
  • Get on with things, don’t live for the things you can’t have, live for the things you can do

This will stay with me now and I will do what is best for me. ¬†Thank you all ūüôā

An end to my blog as we know it? Possibly.

Hi all!

I haven’t been blogging as much as of late as lots of my posts have begun to either hurt others around me or they feel that the stuff I post is about them.

I initially set out to blog so that I could relieve the stress and worry I have in my life (as others do) and in some ways it may help with this but it’s totally backfiring on me and I may have to stop doing it. ¬†I’m upset at how my life strains of trying to conceive for over 4 years, struggling to get the break I deserve in my chosen career path, my weight issues and mental health posts from here or on Facebook are upsetting others. ¬†This has put a MASSIVE strain on my life now as I feel that I will have to start pretending that I am ‘just fine’ when actually I am not: I am a total shell of myself and would not be in this situation if the above did as it should – my body allowing me to be a woman and do what nature intended AND what all the textbooks say of course; my career path falling into place like I would have expected after a good 4 years at College and another 4 years at University; my mind allowing me to focus on losing weight and not sneaking in random food here and there and finally my mental health as I would like to think straight and be the ‘normal’ person I used to be.

The other day I publicly apologised to all my family and friends stating the following:

Whilst it’s Christmas, I will sincerely apologies for clogging up your timeline with all things Partylite, depressing statuses and worries. Partylite is my sole job at the moment and you have to try and make a living right? My depressing and worried statuses are due to what I have been going through for a while so I have been expressing myself in this way (I have never ment any of these statuses to make anyone feel that I am targeting them, it’s in general) Hope you all understand and if you don’t like either then you know what the options are for removal. Thanks for reading ūüôā

That should have cleared things up and I was told by some of my friends that I should not apologise for any of this but as I’m that nice girl who never goes out to harm anyone, I decided that it was right.

To conclude, this blog is to express some of my feelings from the range of issues I have in my life at the moment and to educate friends and family about my infertility journey (if you haven’t been on this journey especially as you don’t know what it’s like to be in this situation) and NOT to point out friends and family who might have said something to make me feel better but it’s not the right thing to say to an infertile and might have kids who think that they are rubbing it in because they have the family that I have always dreamed.

I hope you all begin to understand that nothing on here or on Facebook is ever about you; only me, my life, my feelings and my flaws.  If it was, I would tell you straight off.

xx Lynsey xx

Happy Infertility Anniversary (4 years,1 week and 5 days)

Just needed to vent so here goes (sorry)

It’s been 4 years 1 week and 5 days since we made one of the happiest decisions in our life together – to start our very own family. Truth is, I didn’t realise that it would change my life for the worst (it could be worse I suppose but it’s added to problems I’ve had for years) Everyone has either had a baby or are expecting. Take a look at the list:

I’ve had a run through of dear friends who have had monthly births Aug (1), Sept (1), Nov (5) with announcements (some of which were scared of telling me due to hurting my feelings) in Aug (1), Sept (1), Nov (1) plus another 6 friends being pregnant and this is all just from August.

I am lost in myself! I want my own and I know this won’t happen. It hurts being in a room with people constantly talking about babies or children and most of the time not being considered of the things that I am going through (depression, infertility, negativity, anxiety, sleepless nights, panic attacks and thoughts I would never have thought I would have had) and when I bring up that I have an appointment or having going to the doctors about certain issues, the answer I usually get is ‘oh I forgot about that’ or ‘oh I didn’t realise’.

I wish I had never begun this journey as I was a far better person before this regardless of the issues I have had prior. ¬†I was lively, outgoing, happy and the life and soul of the party but now I’m this moaning, argumentative, miserable piece of crap that I never thought I’d turn out to be.

Some say:

  • it’s only 4 years
  • you’re still young
  • it’s not the right time
  • you don’t need to have a child and our children love you
  • you don’t want to go through pregnancy anyway, it’s not the best expereice

My answer to these are as follows:

  • 4 years of wanting something SO MUCH and thinking about it every day is hard. ¬†Unless you are or have been in this position or that you can think outside the box then you don’t know how this feels.
  • Why am I STILL young? ¬†What is the age that you class me as being old enough for this to happen? ¬†I have seen children who I have taught being pregnant. ¬†I have seen people throughout my time in secondary school who have had 2 children and that is before the age of 16. ¬†Please give me the age that is right for me to start worrying about NOT being young!!
  • Why is it not the right time? ¬†I am in a stable relationship with a husband who loves me and who would be an amazing dad yet I can’t fulfil this dream of his. ¬†My thoughts and feelings would have never got out of hand if this journey had worked like they teach you in school and all the medical theories that are out there were correct.
  • I know your children love me and I love them too but I would love to have the option to tuck my own into bed every night and comfort my own when they are ill. ¬†The saying always a Bridesmaid never the Bride comes to mind here BUT in the sense of always the Auntie but never the Mum. ¬†You have your children that you love and cherish, you have the special days in the year that you can celebrate; Mothers/Fathers Day being one of them. ¬†Am I selfish in wanting this for us too?
  • I DO WANT TO HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS FOR A REASON! ¬†The ones that are out there in a general are you don’t have a cycle (I have this), you feel sick (quite frequently I feel sick), you are getting fat (I’m fat already), you have stretch marks (I have these), you are tired (me too), you have tender breasts (oh yeah I have this too), you have headaches (check!) and you can’t sleep (I’m there with you too) BUT you have had all of these AND got an outcome. ¬†Me on the other hand has had these for years along with taking hundreds of pregnancy tests and all being negative regardless of me actually seeing 2 lines (imaginary visions).

I wish I coud stop being like this. ¬†I wish I could be more positive and I wish that I was back to my old self. ¬†We have decided that the journey we have been on should stop but I don’t know how to give up. ¬†I would love advice on how to give up and forget about it all. ¬†I would love to be happy again. ¬†I would love to sit in a room with friends and family and not get upset inside when they are talking about children due to feeling an emptiness of not having one of my own.

Again, I apologise for the length of this and the moaning that is involved BUT this is why I decided to blog; to put my feelings down on ‘paper’ thus the name ‘Stress Burner’.

An empty scan screen: My date with the nurse (28th Sept)

Sorry for the major delay in posting on my blog (especially this one) but I have had a busy couple of months and have now found a little bit of time to get writing again ūüôā

So the 28th September was one of those days where things went from bad to worse…. ¬†I’ll start from the beginning shall I??

I was booked in for an internal scan by my GP due to a serve loss of blood that I had been experiencing over the past month and it was no where near stopping at this point nor was I at a point in finding out what was wrong with me after seeing the GP, visiting the NHS Walk In Centre and A&E. ¬†Today finally came and all I wanted to see was something other than cysts on my ovaries…. this was never going to be the case of course!

Usually us ladies love having a scan as they show you something wonderful you, your body and your partner have made…. well my scan shown an empty space and ovaries that look like they have chicken pox….Woop! ¬†The nurse said that I had a load of cysts; last time this was done, it was described as only having a few thus them developing further. ¬†My GP said that if nothing else was on the scan then they would send me for further investigations to find out what is happening inside. ¬†This further investigation will be happening on Tuesday!! ¬†I will be having a laparoscopy. ¬†My initial appointment will be then so hopefully I will be given a date on when this will be happening. ¬†This will hopefully inform me on whether I have Endometriosis alongside PCOS. ¬†I have wrote about what a laparoscopy is below for reference. ¬†Hopefully I find out whats been going on! ¬†Watch this space ūüôā

Laparoscopy

A laparoscopy is a type of surgical procedure that allows a surgeon to access the inside of the abdomen and pelvis without having to make large incisions in the skin. It is also known as keyhole surgery.

Laparoscopy is minimally invasive. This is made possible with an instrument called a laparoscope.

Laparoscope

A laparoscope is a small tube that consists of a light source and a camera. The camera relays images of the inside of the abdomen or pelvis to a television monitor.

The surgeon makes a small incision in the skin and passes the laparoscope through it to study the organs and tissues inside the abdomen or pelvis.

The advantages of this technique over traditional open surgery are that people who have a laparoscopy have:

  • a faster recovery time
  • less pain after the operation
  • minimal scarring

 

As usual, I was given a lot of support from friends and family. ¬†Here’s a few screen shots to show the support I have around me:

 

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Psychic reading – very strange evening

So last weekend I attended a psychic reading night at a family members house.¬† A group of 10 females attended.¬† The fella who was the psychic person came and we were all sat in the living room waiting for the event to begin.¬† He went around to different people telling them certain things they already knew and other things that they didn’t – many of them shed a few tears.¬† This was going on for a while and I was wondering when he would look at me…

It was my time finally; he looked at me an smiled.¬† He started telling me that this ‘woman’ was rubbing her feet and knee.¬† If this was to do with me being on my feet most of the day and having a dodgy knee then that was that.¬† He then¬†said that I worked in a caring/social working environment and to continue with this….. incorrect dude.¬† He then¬†asked if the name Peter rang any bells, well it did as it is my¬†Grandad’s name.¬† That was that!

A table and glass exercise commenced…¬† Not too sure on this event but he did blurt out the area I was brought up, a link with the hospital I was born in and a road name.

We all¬†then had a 5 minute reading with him on our own.¬† I was waiting for my turn….¬† This is where the fun/upset began!¬† I was sat on the sofa and this woman who I didn’t know said that she was a ‘little psychic’ too.¬† She asked if I had kids, I said no.¬† She then told me that I was not able to have kids BUT I will get pregnant one day….. (it get’s better…) I will go full term then I will lose the child!¬† How nice is that??¬† She finally said not to give up but it probably won’t happen.¬† Well I am sure you can understand how I felt then?!

I was then told it was my turn to go into the room and see the fella.¬† He asked me to look through these cards and to stop when I was ready and to hand over the card but to think of 1 question.¬† I instantly replied with ‘I can’t just ask 1 as 2 are as important as each other’.¬† He agreed to answer the 2.¬† I handed over the card and I fired away with my 1st question… ‘Will I have children?’ He replied with the following:¬† You have Polycystic¬†Ovaries and one side is worse than the other…. this is not the reason why you are struggling to have a child, the fact it’s at the front of your mind and you’re not relaxing is the reason why.¬†¬†March is an important month (next year) linking to this.¬† At least he didn’t tell me that I will¬†have to give birth¬†to¬†my dead child!¬† The 2nd question was this: ‘ Will have a career in the path I¬†have chosen?’¬† He said yes but I will have this link with social work and wellbeing of people.¬† He said that there was a strong link with Ormskirk¬†(I trained¬†in this area¬†and have worked here too).¬† He finally¬†asked what the link with¬†‘Newton Road’?¬† I explained that this¬†was the main road that¬†linked both me and my hubby to our areas we lived.

That was that….

So what did I take from this experience?  Well I want to see someone who friends have recommended in the past to see what they have to say and I will probably not see anyone after this as it is too much for someone like me to hear stuff like that woman told me!

Needless to say, family and friends are not impressed at all!!  This shows me the amount of love and support I am getting and I am so grateful for this.